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Jun. 1st, 2015 10:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
athelstanthescribeThere's nothing left.
Horik and his men have gone, everyone says so, gone and left him behind, and the few times he's managed to get to the magic place, there's been no sign of Ragnar. Since then, the door has refused to show itself for weeks, weeks filled with pain and crushing loneliness, and nothing but the same stretching out before him as far as he can see. And worse even than that, he's failed in his promise to Ragnar.
Athelstan doesn't believe Ragnar would abandon him if he had any choice - but that can only mean that for one reason or another, Ragnar has no choice - perhaps the other men have finally declared Athelstan unworthy, and they surely would if they saw him now - or else thinks he's dead, and Athelstan has lost hope that they'll ever meet again. Lost hope of heaven, too, when the communion bread tasted like ash in his mouth. Either thought tears at his already wounded soul, and both together are unbearable - but perhaps, after all, there's one way Valhalla will have him...
He goes to the kitchen, and though he's quickly chased out, he doesn't leave empty-handed - or rather, empty-sleeved.
They'll notice its disappearance soon, but not soon enough. (Everywhere he goes, stares and whispers follow him, and he knows this time it will never stop. But he knows what to do.)
Back in his room, Athelstan takes off his long-sleeved tunic and raises the knife, steadying himself, before setting it to his wrist.
The first cut, on the left, is long, smooth and deep, almost to his elbow.
The second, on the right, with the knife gripped in a slippery and shaking hand, is ragged and trails off to a much shallower cut before it's done, as he drops the knife and falls to the bed.
(Just for a moment, before his eyes close, he thinks he sees a figure in the corner. A man, not too tall, with long brown hair and the robes of the Holy Land, looking at him with sorrow. And then he's gone.)
Horik and his men have gone, everyone says so, gone and left him behind, and the few times he's managed to get to the magic place, there's been no sign of Ragnar. Since then, the door has refused to show itself for weeks, weeks filled with pain and crushing loneliness, and nothing but the same stretching out before him as far as he can see. And worse even than that, he's failed in his promise to Ragnar.
Athelstan doesn't believe Ragnar would abandon him if he had any choice - but that can only mean that for one reason or another, Ragnar has no choice - perhaps the other men have finally declared Athelstan unworthy, and they surely would if they saw him now - or else thinks he's dead, and Athelstan has lost hope that they'll ever meet again. Lost hope of heaven, too, when the communion bread tasted like ash in his mouth. Either thought tears at his already wounded soul, and both together are unbearable - but perhaps, after all, there's one way Valhalla will have him...
He goes to the kitchen, and though he's quickly chased out, he doesn't leave empty-handed - or rather, empty-sleeved.
They'll notice its disappearance soon, but not soon enough. (Everywhere he goes, stares and whispers follow him, and he knows this time it will never stop. But he knows what to do.)
Back in his room, Athelstan takes off his long-sleeved tunic and raises the knife, steadying himself, before setting it to his wrist.
The first cut, on the left, is long, smooth and deep, almost to his elbow.
The second, on the right, with the knife gripped in a slippery and shaking hand, is ragged and trails off to a much shallower cut before it's done, as he drops the knife and falls to the bed.
(Just for a moment, before his eyes close, he thinks he sees a figure in the corner. A man, not too tall, with long brown hair and the robes of the Holy Land, looking at him with sorrow. And then he's gone.)
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Date: 2015-06-02 04:28 pm (UTC)So, as he had an idea of what use he could put the cute little pet apostate to, he barges into Athelstan's room to announce it.
And finds -- blood!
"Did you really have to?" he asks, rolling his eyes. "They just put you back together again."
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Date: 2015-06-02 04:30 pm (UTC)"Yes", Athelstan mutters without opening his eyes, already weak from blood loss. "I had to."
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Date: 2015-06-02 04:49 pm (UTC)Neatly stepping around the blood on the floor, he comes to stand beside Athelstan's bed -- a mere cot or pallet, really -- and peers down at him. He discards his cloak which would inevitably become dipped in blood, and sits on the edge of the miserable thing to pick up Athelstan's hands and press his thumbs on the gaping wounds to stop the blood, just for the moment. "You have so much left to live for."
Beat.
"GUARDS!!" he shouts.
Of course there are two just outside the door. There always are.
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Date: 2015-06-02 04:53 pm (UTC)His arms are slit lengthways, not across, but Ecbert knows what he's doing and is pressing down at the elbow end of the wounds, nearest to the heart.
"Nothing I want."
And then the guards are in the room and he stops talking.
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Date: 2015-06-02 05:38 pm (UTC)Then he turns it so the knot will effectively stop the blood from flowing, and pushes a loop of the thick leather under it as well, to make it even tighter. "Get more guards and a bier to carry him," he orders while he works. "And wake the doctor and the nurse!"
He gets to work on the other arm.
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Date: 2015-06-02 05:42 pm (UTC)Athelstan doesn't have the strength to fight, and if he's not going to be allowed to die, he doesn't want to give the guards proof that this was an attempt at suicide by protesting.
He just lies there, passively accepting it.
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Date: 2015-06-02 06:04 pm (UTC)He reaches out and pats his cheek. "Look at me, Athelstan," he orders. "Stay with me."
Of course it was suicide -- what else would it have been? The guards will just get a bonus for their silence. As they do for the other things.
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Date: 2015-06-02 06:06 pm (UTC)Athelstan does look at him, finally opening weary, dull eyes.
"Why?"
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Date: 2015-06-02 06:33 pm (UTC)His voice sounds wounded, disappointed.
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Date: 2015-06-02 06:36 pm (UTC)"It seems I'll live to hear it."
He has no enthusiasm any more, no life in him - but how could Ecbert know who he was before, how shocking this change would be to those who did?
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Date: 2015-06-02 09:54 pm (UTC)Beat.
"The pagan gods of your Viking friends allow suicide?"
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Date: 2015-06-02 10:00 pm (UTC)His stolen knife wasn't long enough for that.
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Date: 2015-06-02 10:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-06-02 10:30 pm (UTC)He's only lost everything and everyone he cares about. Again.
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Date: 2015-06-02 10:51 pm (UTC)He needs to keep him around, in case the Norsemen come back!
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Date: 2015-06-02 10:54 pm (UTC)Ecbert can interpret for himself whether Athelstan means Lindisfarne, or being left behind now.
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Date: 2015-06-02 10:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-06-02 10:58 pm (UTC)"Then when I can stand, please, show me."
Even if this is manipulation, and part of him knows it is, he can't live without a purpose. Not even to wait for Ragnar, without reason for hope.
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Date: 2015-06-02 11:07 pm (UTC)He stands, because the guards return with the stretcher and some elderly medical monk.
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Date: 2015-06-02 11:12 pm (UTC)There would be no point struggling even if he could - if Ecbert's determined to keep him alive, struggling would only earn restraints. And he'll give Ecbert and this mysterious treasure of his a chance to make life worth living again.
But if they don't... if they don't, next time, he'll find a sword.