(no subject)

[athelstanthescribe]

Athelstan has barely said a word to Ragnar since they watched the sacrifices. He's been walking with Gyda, listening affectionately to her chatter and sometimes responding, but not to Ragnar.

That is, until Lagertha takes the children off somewhere and leaves the two of them alone.

Comments

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"You heard the gods, did you not, even though they didn't choose you?" Ragnar says, finally, walking beside Athelstan at a leisurely pace that the shorter man can easily keep up with.

[athelstanthescribe]

"I saw them in Leif's face", he says softly. "Him and the other men. And I have heard them before."

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"We must give them what they would ask for hundredfold, if we waited long enough to make them ask," Ragnar says, quietly. "There are many ways of reaching Valhalla."

[athelstanthescribe]

He nods, stealing a glance sideways.

Eventually, ever so calmly, "Why didn't you tell me?"

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"Would it have changed anything?"

[athelstanthescribe]

"Of course it would!" He stops for a moment, staring. "If I'd known what you wanted, and why... Everyone else knew, and don't say they didn't."

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"Of course they did," Ragnar says, stopping beside Athelstan and turning to look down at him. "But it was never about what I wanted."

[athelstanthescribe]

"Yes, it was", he says quietly. "You want more sons. Isn't that what you were making the offering for?"

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"No," Ragnar says, unusually plainly. "That is not a thing any good earl would ask a man to go to the gods for."

[athelstanthescribe]

"Then for the wellbeing of your people? But Ragnar, that's even more important."

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"It is," Ragnar says. "But still, it was the gods' choice, and your own. You would probably have done it just because I asked."

[athelstanthescribe]

"For a good reason, I'd do anything you asked." He means it. "But... were you testing me? To see if I'd still be willing, told like that?"

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"No," Ragnar says. "I was leaving the decision to the gods, and yourself. If one makes a sacrifice, it must be something so valuable it will be bitterly missed; and it must be freely given."

[athelstanthescribe]

"It could never have been freely given, done like that", Athelstan says, with a more natural calm now. "And I think you suspected I wouldn't be - worthy."

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"The moment you realised, you could have chosen to go," Athelstan says. "Or not."

Pause.

"Leif was a good fighter, and a true companion," he then says, "but had the gods chosen you, I feel it would have been much more of a sacrifice for me."

[athelstanthescribe]

He looks sharply up at Ragnar.

"Truly? But Leif was a friend of your boyhood."

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"As are a number of others, and some that the gods have already taken," Ragnar says. "But you..."

[athelstanthescribe]

"What?" He needs to hear the end of that sentence. "What am I to you, Earl Ragnar, that would put the loyal servant above your old friends?"

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"The future," Ragnar says. "A world of opportunity and knowledge opening to me."

Pause.

"At the very least."

[athelstanthescribe]

Athelstan looks away, obscurely disappointed.

"Then I'll open it to you as best I can."

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"Athelstan?"

[athelstanthescribe]

He knows exactly what look Ragnar's giving him, and concentrates on the ground in front of them.

"You and I are knowledge-seekers, it's true. Of course making a better future matters above all."

He won't say that he'd hoped what Ragnar said in the tent was true. That they were friends. It's not for him to hope to be more than a servant.

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"But you're disappointed," Ragnar says. "This entire small former priest radiates disappointment about Ragnar Lothbrok. Why?"

His voice sounds fond.

[athelstanthescribe]

"All those things you said in the tent, when the Frankish merchant was there", he says suddenly. "But it doesn't matter. Not now. The gods didn't want me, so I remain your - servant."

He trusted Ragnar, almost completely. That's been bruised... but not broken, and he still loves him, and Lagertha and Gyda and Bjorn. That's the real reason he doesn't run, these days.

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"Only my servant?" Ragnar says, softly. "That would make it my turn to be disappointed. I was thinking of all I'd lose if you'd chosen to go to the Gods for us, and it kept piling up, like the spoils from a ship being ruefully surrendered to a greedy lord."

Like the spoils from his first raid to the west, of which he had only got to keep what had turned out the very best part.