athelstanthescribe | (no subject)

"Of course they did," Ragnar says, stopping beside Athelstan and turning to look down at him. "But it was never about what I wanted."

"Yes, it was", he says quietly. "You want more sons. Isn't that what you were making the offering for?"

"No," Ragnar says, unusually plainly. "That is not a thing any good earl would ask a man to go to the gods for."

"Then for the wellbeing of your people? But Ragnar, that's even more important."

"It is," Ragnar says. "But still, it was the gods' choice, and your own. You would probably have done it just because I asked."

"For a good reason, I'd do anything you asked." He means it. "But... were you testing me? To see if I'd still be willing, told like that?"

"No," Ragnar says. "I was leaving the decision to the gods, and yourself. If one makes a sacrifice, it must be something so valuable it will be bitterly missed; and it must be freely given."

"It could never have been freely given, done like that", Athelstan says, with a more natural calm now. "And I think you suspected I wouldn't be - worthy."

"The moment you realised, you could have chosen to go," Athelstan says. "Or not."

Pause.

"Leif was a good fighter, and a true companion," he then says, "but had the gods chosen you, I feel it would have been much more of a sacrifice for me."

He looks sharply up at Ragnar.

"Truly? But Leif was a friend of your boyhood."

"As are a number of others, and some that the gods have already taken," Ragnar says. "But you..."

"What?" He needs to hear the end of that sentence. "What am I to you, Earl Ragnar, that would put the loyal servant above your old friends?"

"The future," Ragnar says. "A world of opportunity and knowledge opening to me."

Pause.

"At the very least."

Athelstan looks away, obscurely disappointed.

"Then I'll open it to you as best I can."

"Athelstan?"

He knows exactly what look Ragnar's giving him, and concentrates on the ground in front of them.

"You and I are knowledge-seekers, it's true. Of course making a better future matters above all."

He won't say that he'd hoped what Ragnar said in the tent was true. That they were friends. It's not for him to hope to be more than a servant.

"But you're disappointed," Ragnar says. "This entire small former priest radiates disappointment about Ragnar Lothbrok. Why?"

His voice sounds fond.

"All those things you said in the tent, when the Frankish merchant was there", he says suddenly. "But it doesn't matter. Not now. The gods didn't want me, so I remain your - servant."

He trusted Ragnar, almost completely. That's been bruised... but not broken, and he still loves him, and Lagertha and Gyda and Bjorn. That's the real reason he doesn't run, these days.

Edited 2015-02-25 00:03 (UTC)

"Only my servant?" Ragnar says, softly. "That would make it my turn to be disappointed. I was thinking of all I'd lose if you'd chosen to go to the Gods for us, and it kept piling up, like the spoils from a ship being ruefully surrendered to a greedy lord."

Like the spoils from his first raid to the west, of which he had only got to keep what had turned out the very best part.

Athelstan shakes his head.

"I know the sacrifice must be valuable - even the animals were the best, I noticed, not an old or sick one among them - but then you speak first of the use I can be to you, as I can and will."

Ragnar knows he wants to be free to choose, and Athelstan knows what he'd choose, and he won't speak of it again. He sighs quietly.

"Ragnar, there's still nothing I wouldn't do if you asked, but... I was afraid today."

Edited 2015-02-25 14:35 (UTC)

Ragnar reaches out and puts a hand on Athelstan's shoulder. "If you were afraid, then the sacrifice was not for you, and I get to keep you."

He takes one of Athelstan's hand into his much bigger one, and pats it with the other.

"Between you and me, with hopefully no gods listening for once, I'm really glad about that."

The others have wandered on, but Ragnar takes the time to stand here with Athelstan. They can easily catch up.

They can. And the others might even notice and wait.

"And you meant what you said in the tent?"

"I did," Ragnar says. "You are very dear to me, Athelstan."

"I believe it... but I'm not really one of you." He raises a hand quickly before Ragnar can speak. "I don't mean the family, I do feel I belong there." He diplomatically fails to mention Bjorn's adolescent outbursts, because that was all they were. "But one of your people. I'm... apart."

"You're apart like Floki is," Ragnar says, "for special skills that the others don't have. You're a part of my family, and of my people. Your place among us is not to be called into doubt."