athelstanthescribe | (no subject)

"I remember", he says softly. "Leif - "

"I'm not angry at you, Athelstan," Leif assures him.

"You never were", Athelstan says. "I could see it on your face. But I don't understand."

"No?" Leif says. "Somebody had to go, and I volunteered. The same thing sometimes happens in battle, or during a raid."

"But why?" It's nearly pleading. "Why you, in my place?"

Leif stops, and puts a large hand on Athelstan's shoulder.

"It had nothing to do with you," he says, "and very little with me, either, truth be told. Ragnar had to sacrifice somebody, somebody whom he would bitterly miss, to make himself felt as a peer among the earls. It was another flavour of battle, and he couldn't afford to lose you. You're unique for what you know; I'm just brawn. Take two Arnes, and you've almost replaced me."

He grins. "Arne will resent that, but that's half the fun."

"You weren't just brawn." He looks up into Leif's face, not moving away from the hand on his shoulder. "And Ragnar is not the only one who missed you, my friend."

"No, not just brawn," Leif allows. "Take two of me, and you almost get the thinking capacity of the likes of Ragnar, or yourself."

Beat.

"Did you miss me, or did you feel guilty because you thought I'd died for you?"

"You were the first person to call me by my name", Athelstan says quietly. "Even Ragnar was still calling me 'priest' then. I missed you."

"There's more than one priest, but only one Athelstan," Leif says. "Ragnar knows that as well, but it took him longer to acknowledge. I hope the others didn't give you too much trouble over it. Does Floki still insist he hates your guts?"

That gets a small wry smile.

"Most of the time. Occasionally he forgets."

Leif grins. "Always too curious for his own good, or his own traditions," he says. "And that's a good thing. Tradition doesn't send new ships over the high seas."

"Or learn any new way of doing things", Athelstan agrees. "Even if it may be better."

"Faith makes Floki strong when he thinks he's strange or very different," Leif says. "But really, his work speaks from him and his worth. Nobody doubts that except him. But that's people; we're none of us completely simple."

He pokes Athelstan on the arm.

"We saw right away that you weren't just simply a scared little monk and slave."

Athelstan swats his hand away without thinking.

"You saw that. And Ragnar did. I wouldn't go so far as to say you all did."

"I'm sure Floki did," Leif says, "and I know my father did, and so did Arne and Torstein."

All the inner circle.

Suddenly, Athelstan misses them all very sharply. Even the living. Even Floki.

"Have you come to remind me of that?"

"That we know your worth, and have known for a long time?" Leif says. "No. I mostly just came to say hello, because I can. And to tell you not to worry so much."

Athelstan smiles a little.

"If you can see me from Valhalla, you know that is easier said than done."

"You are a good man," Leif says, "and Ragnar knows your worth. He's coming for you, and woe betide those who did this to you."

Pause.

"And to me. It probably started with me. Ragnar has a list the length of my" --- "arm to bring to Horik, in the end."

Athelstan looks confused.

"How can he lay your death at Horik's feet?"

"Did you not see who cut my throat?"

"But he was only officiating. He held the knife, but he did not choose for you to die."

"Not for me," Leif says. "But do you think it would have been suggested that a big sacrifice would be required to shore up Ragnar's position and line without his knowledge? Do you think any of that was purely personal? Sons are never just personal, for an earl."

Beat.

"As one who gives sacrifice, the gods would accept him as what he now is. No longer just a farmer. The higher the position, the greater the offering. The blood of a man, a free good man you'd bitterly miss -- that is what makes the gods notice!"

He shakes his head.

"You're so clever, Athelstan. So clever. But sometimes, people are still too harsh and mean for your understanding."

"Still", Athelstan says quietly. "I don't think Horik can be held responsible for your death - though I do not absolve him of others."